FRANCE EST 'LE SUCK'

I've little time to comment on yesterday's matches, but in France's case, I'll make an exception.

FRANCE 0, ECUADOR 0
FRANCE, YOU SUCK.

All matches yesterday went according to expectations with one notable exception. France, the highest scoring team through the first two matches of the Group Stage, met Ecuador, one of the lowest scoring and most importantly most AVERAGE teams in the tournament.

They met, exchanged pleasantries, and that's about it.

'Look at me, I'm number 5! And I can FLY!' said Number 5. Number 17 appeared non-plussed, put his nose up in the air and struck a pose. 'Big deal,' said he. 'I can dance, like THIS.'

Did I mention Ecuador was red-carded and played one man short for over 40 minutes of the second half? No? Sacre bleu! You'd think that'd make it pretty easy for France, a team that scored 5 against the Swiss.

But oh nooooooooooooooooooooo, they couldn't break down 10-man Ecuador despite dominant possession and ample opportunity.

IRAN even scored a goal yesterday. Nigeria put 2 goals past Argentina.

GO FRANCE! Just go, please. Merci.

LIONEL MESSI'S TEAM 3, NIGERIA 2
LIONEL MESSI was up 2-1 at the half, and then Argentina realised the folly of their ways in putting their hopes on a novice who relies on nothing but luck and playing against teams with gastrointestinal distress. Nigeria tied it up at 2 early in the second, and Messi was DONE.

Lionel Messi, who wears #10 because that's where he ranks on his team's depth chart, enjoys the spotlight while he can. We all know he wouldn't even qualify for Canada's team (mostly because he's not Canadian, but don't let that confuse the point that this guy is just plain terrible).

Argentina then played much better, relying on the immensely talented and underrated Marcos Rojo to put them up 3-2. And that is how it ended. Without the accident-waiting-to-happen that is Lionel Messi on the pitch, Argentina played with composure, and finished the Group Stage atop Group F.

Marcos Rojo celebrates yet another goal in his illustrious career, this one the game-winner against world soccer powerhouse, NIGERIA! Wait a second, he wears number 16? That can't be right...

Next up, Switzerland.

SWITZERLAND 3, HONDURAS 0
I know Honduras aren't exactly world-beaters (just Canada-beaters), but there was much to admire from the Swiss in yesterday's match. And most of it came from the boots of Xherdan Shaqiri, who scored on a wicked (sick, twisted, evil) shot for the first goal of the game. With that, Honduras was sick of the Swiss.

'Shhhhhhh! Can't you see I'm scoring over here??'

Shaqiri then scored another 2, outclassing the opposition and showing upstarts like that #10 guy from Argentina how it's done. Honduras was doomed from the start, the Swiss just rubbed it in.

Up next, LIONEL MESSI'S TEAM. !@#$% just got real.

BOSNIA/HERZEGOVINA 3, IRAN 1
Holy cow, Iran actually scored a goal. And even HOLIER COW, BOSNIA/HERZEGOVINA just scored 3! 

 

A Bosnia/Herzegovina fan reflects the excitement generated by her favourite team at the World Cup. Bosnia/Herzegovina allowed Iran to score a goal. Booooooo!

Woohoo, ay caramba... and who cares? Neither of these two sides was going anywhere but home. Better luck next time, NOT.

MASTERFUL QUICK-PIX OF THE DAY:
GERMANY 2, USA 1
PORTUGAL 2, GHANA 1
ALGERIA 1, RUSSIA 1
BELGIUM 3, KOREA 0

Admittedly, these last matches of the Group Stage can be tough to call, since teams already qualified for the next round have less to play for. For example, Germany and USA will both qualify for the knockout phase with a draw, maintaining their current relative standing in Group G. 

But Portugal needs to win, and win HUGE to compensate for the goals they allowed Germany to score against them in an earlier match, but they also have to hope the USA loses and scores very little. By the same token, Ghana needs to come up big and hope Germany blows the USA out of the water to have any hope of advancing.

Korea has little hope except for a miracle to beat Belgium, and unless that happens, Algeria qualifies with only a draw against the Russians. Russia has no choice but to win.

It's all so interesting, and ridiculously difficult to predict.

Bob? Are you there, Bob?

Korea is already eliminated